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This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.
This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.
Pregnancy choices
ej1608 · 07/12/2022 07:58
I had an abortion recently and I regret it the minute it started. I am a mother of three and I am 36 years old. When I found out I was pregnant, I had mixed feelings. On one hand, I was thinking wouldn't it be great to have a big family (although it never occurred to me that I want 4 children)? On the other hand, I am scared we wouldn't be able to afford it. Plus, I am already in my late 30's I am not sure if we should have another child. The pressure also comes from the fact that everyone around me have already moved onto the next stages of their lives. I had my children in my 20's too so it also makes me feel rather uneasy to start everything again. I even felt like I need to justify and explain to others WHY am I still doing this at this age. I don't even know WHY THIS PRESSURE OCCURED TO ME but I felt it. Sigh. But I also knew I already loved the baby so much. I had a difficult time making the decision so I dragged it until the last minute. My husband was supportive but at the same time, I know he doesn't want to keep the baby as we do need to make huge financial adjustments if we decided to keep this new family member.
On the day of the termination, we were still discussing and deciding if we should proceed in the car. I cried for at least 1 week prior to the termination. I don't know what has gotten in my mind but I decided to proceed with it. The minute everything was ready, I wanted to leave. But I knew it was too late. I had my hand on my belly hoping that my baby would feel the warmth of my hand. I said my last goodbye and the baby was gone. Just like that.
Ever since that day, I couldn't function; I couldn't breathe. I cry every day in the shower. I think my children knew that something is wrong with me. I try to be strong in front of them. I don't know what to do. Shouldn't I feel relieved? I don't feel relieved at all. I feel so depressed... so angry at myself... I don't know what to do. It's been more than a long week since the procedure but I still couldn't stop thinking about my baby. I couldn't stop feeling so angry. My husband didn't feel the connection prior to the termination but he felt it too after we lost the baby.
We are now clouded with our emotions and we really want to try again. We want our baby back. Is this normal? I didn't share this with anyone and I am keeping this negative emotion to myself. I know I should give myself some time because it has only been a week before I make any illogical decision. But I am 36 going to be 37 in a few months and my husband is even older than me. I can't afford to waste any time.
We had a difficult time conceiving our third child and we sought medical help to have our miracle baby. I can't imagine myself going through a termination years after. So trying for a baby really stresses me. I remember the days when I was trying for my third child; we had numerous cycles of IUIs, IVFs.... hopes and disappointments months after months; years after years. I feel like I have completely lost my baby. He wouldn't come back to me and I don't deserve to feel happy again.
All I want is to turn back time and to make the "right decision". While I understand that is impossible, I am desperately wanting to try again. I don't know what to do with my life. What should I do.
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Mince314s · 07/12/2022 08:21
Oh love, that sounds really hard. I think the thing here is that no matter what that baby is gone but the reasons you didn't feel able to have another one aren't. I think trying again now would be the worst thing you could do. Sounds like some counselling would be a good start to get your head straight again. You can feel happy again.
Beggingforsleep · 07/12/2022 11:03
I felt the same, I really hit the floor and still now 10 months on I wish I could turn back time. But that’s the heart side of me, the reasons why I made the decision still stand, I wanted to give my two children and elderly mum the best they could have - mostly that being my time, not material things although looking at our energy bills now I have no idea how we’d have managed with mat leave.
My husband has had a vasectomy since so no going back for us but I’m still intensely broody. I wonder if I would have been anyway as I’m 40 so time is almost up.
But antidepressants and counselling have really helped. It took me ages to get a counsellor through the NHS but the ads helped fill the gap. I’m now coming off them and although old feeling are resurfacing, I’m functioning much better than I was in Feb.
I hope you find some peace soon.
ej1608 · 08/12/2022 00:55
That's what my husband has been telling me too. He said we made our decision based on our circ*mstances.
You are right. I really need some counselling. I don't feel happy anymore. But I have to act strong in front of my children. It is so tough.
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ej1608 · 08/12/2022 01:02
I know exactly what you mean :( and this is why trying for another one now is probably not a great idea because the reasons why I did what I did still stand too.
I think I need antidepressants and counselling. I am not functioning altogether. And Im glad that you're doing better day by day. It is so tough. And don't be too harsh on yourself too. I am learning to do that now.
But this is so tough. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be happy again. I'm reading some self help books online and keeping a journal of my feelings. I felt so overwhelmed yesterday that I need to share my story here on mumsnet. I didn't tell anyone about this. So no one knows except for my husband. So whenever I am with him, I talk about my feelings and the pain over and over again. I think he's finding me quite annoying now. Sigh
OP posts:
Beggingforsleep · 13/12/2022 11:55
hi @ej1608 , how are you getting on? I've been off my anti depressants for maybe three weeks now and I'm spiralling a little. I'm spending a lot of time on this board and it's not healthy but I can't stop. I don't want to go back on the tablets but maybe I'll have to.
It feels a little ridiculous to be feeling like this - I spent all day in hospital with my mum yesterday as she'd had a fall (nothing broken thankfully) and I've been staying with her the last couple of days. Being available to support her as she got older was one of the reasons I didn't go through with the pregnancy, so I should be feeling vindicated. But instead I'm still spending so much time every day imagining what could have been and trying to problem solve some of the issues I let stop me - such as comparing the cost of childminders vs nurseries or reading about 'older' mothers. At the hospital yesterday I was looking at where the maternity unit was on the map. I just want to rip my heart out so I can dump the feelings and get on with the life I have. I have to keep reminding myself that it might not have even been a viable pregnancy, that I could have had complications from childbirth, that, although my children are much easier than they were 10 months ago, a new baby could have really disrupted the equilibrium for a while.
I'm trying to do positive things - we're booking some trips away for next year which are things we wouldn't have been able to do easily with a baby in tow/afforded to do if I was on mat leave/wanted to do if I was tired. I really want to move forward and enjoy life, I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this. I just want to scream.
I've just reread my post. I'm definitely going to go back on the anti-depressants. I wanted to be able to process my feelings and move on without them but I'm very obviously not in a healthy place, I sound mad but I'm really not. My kids are happy, my house is tidy, I have lots of plans in place for Christmas, work is going well. Gah!
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Tcr1987 · 21/12/2022 11:39
I terminated my unexpected (failed morning after pill) pregnancy in August, would have been my third child. 4 months on I’m sad and wondering the same, will I ever feel happy again? I’m plagued with thoughts about trying again and replaying all the reasons I terminated (mainly taking time away from my young kids and stretching us financially, as well as my severe anxiety and how that would affect the family) over and over in my head. It does feel like the only way to be happy again is to have another baby. I’m about to be 36 so feel like I don’t have all the time in the world.
No answers for you just solidarity and the hope that we all find some peace in whatever decision we make.
Beggingforsleep · 21/12/2022 18:34
Just to offer a bit of hope, I’ve just spent a few days with my in laws and my SIL had a baby who is two weeks younger than mine would have been. I was dreading it but actually it felt fine and reinforced some of my reasons for doing it. I certainly didn’t yearn for a baby, so that was incredibly reassuring. We also visited some friends with 3DC and they’re loving it now the youngest is three but they have more money than us and a bigger house and she’s a SAHM, they’re better set up.
So a good few days.
Tcr1987 · 29/12/2022 21:48
That’s good to know, thank you. Quite a few of my friends are expecting and one is due a week after I would have been. Kind of dreading it but glad to hear your experience.
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